BB Funnies!

U go fear fear

U go fear fear

This week, though a lil’ later than usual, I bring you a couple of interesting jokes from the BBM world. Enjoy!

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A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with
her for #10,000. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he
did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a
cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”

… On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the
whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a
cheque for #5,000 and enclose the following typed note:

“Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for #5,000 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending
the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:

1 – it had never been occupied;
2 – there was plenty of heat; and
3 – it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t
any heat, and that it was entirely too large.”

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for #5,000
with the following note:

“Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
landlady.
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What is Stress!!!
You gave a lift to a beautiful girl,
she fainted inside your car & u took her to the hospital.
Now that’s stressful,
But at the hospital d Doc said she is pregnant & congratulated u dat u’re going to be a father
You denied, but the girl said you are.
This is getting very stressful
To prove Your not D father , U requested for a DNA test.
After the tests, the doctor said you are Sterile and can’t impregnate a woman &
You are extremely stressed but relieved.
But On your way home, you suddenly remembered you have 3 kids at home…
Who the Hell is their father?
NOW THAT’S STRESS!
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A female teacher was having problems with a boy in her class of 3rd graders.
The boy said,”Ma’am, I should b in 4th grade, I’m smarter than my sis & she’s in 4th grade’.
The teacher had had enough of his complaints & took d boy to the Principal’s office.
She explained everything to the Principal who decided to test the boy with some questions that a 4th grade should know.
Principal: What’s 3+3?
Boy: 6
Principal: 6+6?
Boy: 12
& so on..
The Principal asked the boy many questions & d boy got them right.
The Principal then asked the teacher to send the boy to 4th grade.
She decided to ask some more questions & the Principal agreed.
Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of that I’ve only 2 of?

Boy: Legs

Teacher: What’s in your pants that you have but I dont have?

Boy: Pockets

Teacher: What starts with a C & ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut

Teacher: What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky?

The principal’s eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.

Boy: Bubble Gum

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. What am I?

Boy: Tent

The principal was looking restless.

Teacher: A finger goes in me. U fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

Boy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When Ï’m not well, I drip. When u blow me, you feel good?

Boy: Nose

Teacher: I’ve a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy:Arrow

Teacher: What starts wit ‘F’ & ends with a ‘K’ & if you don’t get it, you have to use ur hand?

Boy: Fork

Teacher: What’s it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his & a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Boy: Surname

Teacher: What part of the man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin & is responsible for making love?

Boy: Heart

The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher, “Send the boy to the University, I got the last 10 questions wrong myself!!
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A goat & a chicken were discussing & walking along the roadside when, suddenly, a car passed and splashed
water on them. Angrily, the chicken hissed and said, “Don’t mind them that is how they drive, like a goat.”
The goat smiled and said, “Hmmm,
no wonder they die like chicken.”
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Chicken story
A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.
Old cock to Young cock: “Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock: What you mean? As far as I know, you are old & should be retired. Old cock : Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can’t I help you with some?
Young cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition & if I win you shall allow me to have one hen & if I lose you will have all.
Young cock: OK. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meters run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters. Young cock: No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off & when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might. Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang…..! Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, “Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I’ve bought this week.”
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How to know if u are Normal :

1. U have a facebook account

2. U have a blackberry or iphone or ipod

3. U watch MTV nd music channels

4. U r fully aware of adult stuff

6. U register to unlimited texts

7. U sleep late

9. U were so busy u forgot to read number 5

10. U actually scroll up again to see if there is number 5(don’t worry coz there is no number 8 as well )

11. Now u are smiling, possibly laughing @ yourself.
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Categories of BBM Contacts:

1. The Regulars – They love fun and are regular broadcasters of nice messages.(y)
2. The LOLs – All They do on BBM is say ‘lol’, ‘lols’, ‘loools’ or any similar inane variant of any of the foregoing, to any msg you send. Annoying 8-|

3. The stalkers – All they do is check out your profile, DP, message or status, save pics of you and that’s it. Freaks/Pervs.:O

4. Gbegboruns – when this lot check out your profile, all they ask is ‘who be dis?’ Or ‘where you take dis pic?’ Or ‘wetin make u dey positive? Blah blah blah”. O ga o.:x

5. Ghosts – These ones never reply or send or change their DP or msg or do anything. You need to check their pulse once in a while to confirm if they’re still alive3-|

6. Off and ons – These ones na-
– How far?
– I dey.
– Kk
D conversation don end till another 6 monthsX_X.

7. Chameleons wey no get work wey just buy bb – these ones dey change their DP, msg and name every 5 mins, or dem go take ‘smiley’ and rubbish font write dem name you go begin find dem every time u wan send dem a msg. Bush wahalla :s.

8 The ones wey need to work with McAfee antivirus – Na every time their phone dey crash and they need to add you again and again and again.:p

9. Lamentators – one can write an epistle about them from their msgs…
– dis is my month IJN
– ah God save me from my boss
– I need money to renew my BB subscription ooo
– Traffic is bad on 3rd Mainland
– Transformer 3 was d bomb
– I just crossed Oshodi express way
– I luv u my mummy etc (=|:'(

Men, this Naija sef……U̶̲̥̅̊na know unaself!!!!!
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Hope you enjoyed this set. Will be back next week with ‘Shit Happens’!

Have a great week!!!

BB Off

BB Off

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Mindless Facts

Earn Your Keep...Some Babies Do!!!

Earn Your Keep…Some Babies Do!!!

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987
by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cat’s urine glows under a black light.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in
Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human’s neck.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the ’30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfish haven’t got brains.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter Pan.”

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter in the English language.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.

You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.
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This collection of mindless facts is from the Golden Jokes Collection.

Have a Great Week!!!

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Funnies! 2

End of Discortion Noni!!!

End of Discortion Noni!!!

Continuing with my Funnies! this week, I present these:

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Why Microsoft shouldn’t make cars

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: “If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ‘Car95’ or ‘CarNT.’ Then you would have to buy
more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that’s powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘general car fault’ warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say ‘Are you sure?’ before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You’d press the ‘Start’ button to shut off the engine.
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Go on, tell them

This story occurred on Melbourne radio recently.
One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their
spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the
answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its FOX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 – When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o’clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr …. about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can’t say that.
Presenter: There’s a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. … O.K. … On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room – much laughter). Good one
Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We’ve got Brian on the other line,say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we’re going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can’t say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn’t matter. I’ve already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. … About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question.
How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That’s close enough … Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question.
Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can’t say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There’s a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I’ve already told them so it doesn’t matter anyway just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh …. alright …. Up the arse!
Instant Radio Silence. Advert.
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we’re going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We’ve given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we’ll take a music break.
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Three nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
He says “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”
The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone.
The second says, “I want to be Madonna;” and *poof* she’s gone.
The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”
St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.
“Sara Pipalini;” replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says…. “No sister, this says ‘Sahara Pipeline’ was laid by 1,900 men in 6 months.
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That’s all for the week. Keep a date next Monday. By the way, don’t miss my Independence post on Thursday and the next Zodiac post on Saturday.

Have a great week!

Go to work!

Go to work!

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Funnies!

So I got these joke apps on my laptop and I thot to share a couple of them that I found quite hilarious. Just check ’em out.

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The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

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A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident – body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: “Head on bullevard” and scratchs out his spelling error. “Head on bouelevard” Nope, doesn’t look right – scratch scratch. “Head on boolevard…” dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. “Head on curb.”

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A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked, “What type of brain do you want?”
“What type?” the woman asked.
“Yes,” replied the doctor. “There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.
“Can you give me a one-pound lawyer’s brain? Ever since I was a little girl I’ve dreamed of being a trial attorney.”
“That’s $250,000,” the doctor replied.
“Why so much? the woman asked. “That’s over four times what a surgeon’s brain costs.”
“Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?” the doctor replied.

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If you can touch it and you can see it, it’s REAL.
If you can touch it but you can’t see it, it’s TRANSPARENT.
If you can’t touch it but you can see it, it’s VIRTUAL.
If you can’t touch it and you can’t see it, it’s GONE.

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During a heated spat over finances the husband said, “Well, if you’d learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid.” The wife, fuming, shot back, “Oh yeah??? Well, if you’d learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener.”

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Ok, now that’s all for this week! Wait till next week for more Funnies!

Have a beautiful week!

Thank you!

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